Maybe I should sit and rehearse my story. It ain’t long. It’s simple but quite sounds like that of a frightened kid. Have you ever listened to a kid as he tells you a story on how he got lost in the crowd of nobody to trust? Nobody to fall back on? And the worst part of it all is that nobody seems to care about nobody; maybe they’re over busy. So nobody wants to hear his story. It sounds lame to some whereas most never believes in this whole rip rap of a story.
These feelings started when I tried noticing people’s reactions each time we meet. You know those kinda reactions: he responded to my greeting like he is dumb. Imagine, she snubbed me. His greeting wasn’t great. Many [funny] things just started creeping into my mind, almost always.
No wonder, When I’m in a room full of people I can’t think of anything to say because they all seem to be smarter than me. This has happened to me since I was in school and no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to change. They even get worse.
When I speak, it feels like I am learning a movie script; how boring. Every word sounds so boring that everyone will turn to look at me like a **. You speak an English no one can comprehend. You can imagine what they’ll be saying, ‘Who is this one sef? And what is he even saying?’ So I stopped talking much unless it’s something just fun. Yep! I now learn to talk funny.
Next problem; they now think I’m too unserious and unprofessional. Can you beat that?
Well, I still can’t make it to be friends with most people. I wonder if a boring guy can ever get to be fun or interesting to be with. You tell me!
When people look at me I start thinking what I feel like they’re thinking. I feel like they think I’m ugly. I feel like they are looking at me and saying, “this guy looks like a punch bag”.
People read my writing and then they meet me. The polite ones who didn’t have the time to finish it up (or meditate on it) will say, “You write well but I couldn’t understand you” whereas the childish and mannerless ones will say such things like, “Charles you write nonsense”, “Your head is not correct”.
Whereas the later statements sound annoying and demoralizing, that I might go for a kill, I blame them not but rather console myself with the words of Peter Elbow;
My friends think I write well but when I write I tie myself in knots.
My writings are not always clear especially to those who don’t like spending time to concentrate on a piece. I am recently guilty of spending very little time on a piece of content myself. It then follows the research on how people scan online contents. Still, I think it needed a work. Then I started reading books, the best of which has been ‘How to write non-fictions‘ by Williams Zinnisser. And speaking simple English by CDC (I’m still working on this).
I now write better than I used to, with much more confidence and guts, though not near perfection yet. Still, it haven’t changed my shyness in person. I am more extroverted on paper and quite introverted in person.
Often, I feel like a police sketch. Like my writing shows bits and pieces and then there is so much more garbage underneath and people only see the surface. And when they meet me they see even less.
I bet I’m already sounding too self-deprecating. I’m not really this self-deprecating in “real life”. Some people will even see me and confuse me with a priest. I bet my life is a disillusioned one.
When someone I know texts me I usually don’t respond because I don’t know what to say and then after a few days I feel so bad about not responding that I never respond again.
When someone I don’t know texts me I try to respond but with a ‘Hi’. Else, I spend close to three hours trying to compose a follow-up response.
I’m this afraid when I meet a lady I like so much that (to avoid meeting her) I throw away the feelings I have for her. Reason is how she will take my gesture. The issue of she might also like you but can’t respond immediately is something I can’t live with. Go straight and tell me how you feel about me. The feeling of you not liking me hurts. The feeling of you liking me sounds good. But in all, I don’t speak to ladies. Even on same bus maybe we’re not even in the same class after all. So I don’t bother having female friends.
I must have started sounding like one of those with self-esteem issues. The anthrophobic ones who refuse to attend gala nights because of the crowd. No. Or maybe one of the I-don’t-have-a-date. Maybe, maybe not. Just something much more complicated.
I am one of those crooks in class during my secondary school days. The most gentle, the youngest, most intelligent, the class perfect but the most crooked. I had access to the entire lockers in class. My bunch of keys contained about 200+ single keys. Buy any type of key and I have a copy of it.
I don’t know how it happened but I was the man of the class. I was the tiny prefect who had access to all the class details. I was this lazy that everyone hates me when it comes to manual labour. Always late that I hardly sweep my morning portion. Actually, my cousin does that for me. Often fails to tuck my shirt in and never arrives at school until it’s 8:00am. Yet I was so soft that I cry on the mention of cane. Though I never melt when caned, raise it (the cane) up and water starts flowing down my cheeks.
Sometimes I feel like not originating from my family. I just start hating on the entire environment that I regret coming from that place. My only consolation is that God has a reason for dropping me there. Still it never makes me not feel guilty of who I am.
Do you think things will get better?
I once thought of deleting all my friends on Facebook and starting afresh. When I discovered the time and labour involved in performing such action, I decided to quit. My next thought was to change my name to something else. Still, it sounds more silly. As good as deleting the account and starting a new account. Maybe I should just start a new account with a new name. That I am still working on.
Most of my friends as a kid are now lost in space and even if we still meet I don’t think I’ll like to befriend them. As a university student, the few friends I tried making are no longer my friends. I seem to find new friends and then lost the feeling of having them before we depart. Maybe it’s because I get bored easily that I don’t do one thing for long nor know same person for long. I almost prefer long distance friendship (I can’t tell much about dating) that the best of friends I have are from secondary school days; and we’re still good pals. Distance strengthens the bond.
Again, sounds like I am being overly self-deprecating. Maybe I am. But there’s nothing worse than the feeling of dejection. And if you think I am going to commit suicide after this you should know you met the wrong guy. For that’s not an option for my soul.
If everybody thinks I am different, then I am. I always watch movies where the overly hated guy turns out to be the best guy on the street; even kicking the so-called best guys. Maybe that’s my story, maybe not.
I hate politics but some of the people I admire are politicians. I like them intelligent and smart. Those who are open with state funds while generously embezzling those same funds. If you can’t think of a smart way to please the people, don’t embezzle their money. Don’t confuse me as a politician, it’s not an option for me. Take me as the guy who thinks life is all about business.
I write what I feel. People want consistent opinions every day. I am not consistent. Sometimes I think one thing, sometimes I think the other. Maybe good thoughts today and bad tomorrow. This seems to be different from all the people who think the same way all the time.
Well, If I die today I’d feel nothing except that I’ll be grieved for not having impacted on the world the way I dreamt. Maybe nobody cares about me or my dreams anyway.
Now I feel like a ghost [looking at his body] writing this.